Moving Forward

Hi, Friends!  In case you haven't noticed, it has been a little quiet on the blog for the past few months.  I have tried to get back into blogging, but I honestly didn't feel right without explaining where I've been/what has been happening.  I've probably written this post in my head 100+ times in the last month and I don't think I still have the right words so forgive me if it is a hot mess.

Tommy and I found out at the end of April that we were expecting another baby!  We were so excited but also cautious because of our previous miscarriage before having Teagen.  We told our families on Mother's Day after I had my HCG levels taken and they were looking great.  I was always a little nervous to get too excited, but every week that went by, I started to feel a little more confident that this pregnancy would be alright.  We even shared the news with Kenna, who was beyond ecstatic, and promptly requested a baby brother.  She even named her new baby sibling "Pudding Head."  It was so fun to watch her ask about the baby and talk about the baby and I loved every single second of it.  I had no issues during the first 10 weeks, except for extreme tiredness, which explains my lack of blogging.  I was in bed by 8 most nights, and typing up a blog post was about the last thing I wanted to do.  I was hopeful that we would be cuddling a precious baby after Christmas but I was still very uneasy until we had that first ultrasound.

On June 15 we had my first doctor's appointment and I was so nervous the entire way there.  I was just telling my mom earlier that week about how every pregnancy I just can't wait to get that first ultrasound over with because you really don't know how the baby is doing until then.

When the ultrasound tech first turned on the screen, she turned it toward her and told us she was just taking some routine measurements.  I do remember thinking this was odd and not like how our previous ultrasounds went with the girls.  After what felt like 20 minutes, but probably only 3, she said she was going to turn the screen towards us.  I immediately blurted out, "Is everything ok" and she paused briefly before stating that she was going to turn the screen toward us and explain what she was seeing.  Although at that point both Tommy and I knew what was coming next, it was still gut wrenching to hear the dreaded words, "Unfortunately there is no heartbeat."  I'm pretty sure that neither one of us, Tommy and I, will never get that moment out of our heads, and I find that those words come back to haunt me at random times throughout the day.  

I'm pretty sure I was in shock after that and can't really remember a lot of what happened next.  I do remember bawling while sitting on the doctors table while calling my mama.  We then had to go home and tell Kenna what was happening, and that was probably the worst part of the whole ordeal.  Luckily, she is young and has a pretty short attention span and at this point in time has stopped bringing up her baby brother/sister for the most part. Occasionally when discussing heaven she will state that her "new baby is up in heaven with Jesus and Bella" (my mom's dog that passed away last year).  Our family has rallied around us, and I truly feel blessed when I think about all the love and prayers that have been aimed our way.

It was a tough decision to put this info out here on the blog when it is still so new and raw to us.  It has been one month since we found out and we are just dealing with the emotions as they come, and most days, I'm doing alright.  I never thought I would have one miscarriage, let alone two, but I have the utmost faith that God has a plan for us because I've seen his miracles before.  Every single time I look at my Baby T, I just think how God knew that I needed her.  So even if I don't understand at the time, I know that I just have to keep looking forward and trusting in His plan.  

However, that doesn't mean that every day is easy and I still get very anxious when I think about what has happened and what the future could hold in terms of trying to grow our family.  

Last night, Tommy and I were laying in bed watching TV and one of the characters announced they were pregnant and Tommy looks at me and says, "It is still hard to hear other people announce they are pregnant," and I immediately got tears in my eyes because that is exactly how I've been feeling lately.  I know that we are extremely blessed with two beautiful girls, but dang does it hurt when I see people announcing their December/January babies because that should have been us, too.

I also get nervous when I think about how far apart in age Kenna and Teagen will be from a new baby if/when I would get pregnant again.  The girls are so close in age and I have just started praying hard that a future babe will not feel left out from their sibling bond.  

As for now, I'm just soaking up every little minute with my sweet babies (even when they make me want to hide in my closet with a bottle of wine) and looking forward to what the future holds for The Baldwins.  Tommy and I celebrated five years of marriage last week and I think he summed it up perfectly in these words...

"Standing at the altar five years ago today, I figured this marriage thing would work out pretty well. You say your vows, “In good times and bad...in sickness and in health...” and so on. But you don’t really realize what that means until you’re really in the thick of things. When life tests you, throws you a huge curveball, sends little issues your way one right after the other. Marriage is cake when the ball is bouncing your way. The true testament to a strong marriage is how you come together and respond in the face of adversity."

Yes, life hasn't always gone as we've planned, but we are extremely fortunate to have each other and this life God has created for us and I will never feel anything but blessed.